neither here nor there


My favorite album by my favorite band is This Desert Life by Counting Crows. My favorite moment on that record isn’t even in a song. I love the moment right between Hangin’ Around and Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby. The transition between one song into the next is perfection. I long for such a seamless transition. It’s drums. The beat keeps going and it’s beautiful.

Here I am, winding down from youth ministry and my responsibilities at the church I serve. Here I am, amping up for seminary and trying to prepare for a new routine in an unfamiliar town. I want to make the leap from youth worker to student in the kind of graceful, kinetic motion that you miss if you’re not looking for it.

The problem is this: I suck at letting go.

To move from thing one to thing two, you have to let go of thing one at the perfect time. I can feel myself preparing to let go, but my heart and mind is still burdened too much with what’s going to happen after I leave. I can transition me out of my youth ministry gig but I can’t transition the youth and families I love into the next step for them and the church largely because I have no idea what’s next for them and the church. I’m trying so hard to let go of those worries: What if they don’t find someone to lead the youth ministry? What if they do, but it’s a terrible fit? What if some of the kids don’t come back to church because they were more attached to me than to God? What if the transition between me and the next youth worker takes too long? What ifs haunt me but the  so whats are too harsh.

It’s not my call on what happens next at church, nor should it be. It’s my call to go to seminary. I need to finish strong, trust God a little more, and leave helpful notes. Then I need to step from track 1 into track 2, letting go of now so I can fully grasp what’s next



(My husband told me blogs are better with pictures. I think pictures are better with haikus.)

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